I. The Process

Gratefully adapted for Communicating Across Differences by Vid Axel from material shared by creativecore.consulting.training.and.media 847.854.1111 - Fax 847.854.2464 - Bob AT CreativeCore.com 1421 Lowe Drive, Algonquin, IL 60102 - www.CreativeCore.com.

Although in large measure the following takes inspiration from sources related to Nonviolent Communication (NVC), the following has not been reviewed or approved by the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) or by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. For information about these sources and their certified training in NVC, please visit cnvc.org

A. Honestly expressing how I am without blame or criticism:

1. "What's alive in me?"

a. Observation

What I observe (see, hear, remember, imagine - free from my evaluations) that does or does not contribute to my well-being:

"When you [observed behavior]..."

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b. Feeling

How I feel (emotion or sensation rather than thought) about what I observe:

"When you [observed behavior], I feel..."

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c. Need

What I need or value (rather than a strategy, preference, or a specific action) that causes my feelings:

"When you [observed behavior], I feel [my feeling], because I need (or value)..."

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2. "What would make life more wonderful?"

d. Request

Without demanding, I clearly request that which would enrich my life. I voice the concrete action that I would like taken:

"When you [observed behavior], I feel [my feeling], because I need (or I value) [what I need or value]. Would you be willing to...?"

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B. Empathically listening to the other, translating "blame" or "criticism" into guesses of feelings and needs:

3. "What's alive in you?"

a. Empathically Listening

In rehearsing, imagine the response you might receive from the other person after you deliver your request. Imagine empathizing with the person while listening with sincere interest.

What's alive in the other (what do you imagine the other might be feeling and needing)?

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b. Empathically Listening - Responding

Respond to what you have just heard by asking what the other is feeling and needing. If you have listened empathically, the other will grasp your sincere interest and your intention to hear the other's true feelings and needs - even if what you have guessed differs from the other's experience. The other will tend to either confirm your guess or instead state the actual feelings and/or needs.

"Are you feeling [feeling] because you are needing [need]?"

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