below: audio recording of the presentation and interactive, supplementary material

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1. Gratitude Journal

Many who learn this process also learn to appreciate that jackal language and assumptions teach us to focus on "what's wrong" with the world. Doing that can stimulate discouragement and sap us of the energy we need to make positive changes. Although the process of Communicating Across Differences urges us to pay attention to our feelings and needs, including when we happen to feel dissatisfied that our needs are not met, it also urges us to pay close attention when our needs are getting met.

Both for this reason and because it can help one to improve one's skills in using this process, many who learn about Communicating Across Differences keep a Gratitude Journal each day.

In this journal, one expresses gratitude for what met one's needs using the same formula for expressing gratitude that I described in my talk.

First, one lists some specific thing or things about which one is grateful to oneself. Second, one lists some thing or things about which one is grateful to others. In each case, one names an observation, feeling and a need. One names what action was taken for which one feels grateful; names what feelings the action stimulates; and names what authentic need was met by the action.

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This exercise can both help to reorient a person's mindset in a more constructive direction and also to increase one's fluency in the expression of observations, feelings and needs. In addition, it often draws one's attention to actions that others have taken, inspiring a person to actually thank those others, which frequently both persons experience as fulfilling.

No less important, however, is taking the time to express gratitude to oneself for what one is already doing that is meeting one's needs.

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2. Emotional Slavery and Liberation

In my presentation, I strove to draw attention to how valuable it can be to develop a welcoming relationship with one's own feelings and to recognize that even other's feelings, when viewed using the principles of this process, need not be threatening. I also explored how helpful in communication it can be both to name what one is authentically feeling and to pay attention to what others are feeling.

I would like to add a comment that I consider particularly relevant. Namely, Marshall Rosenberg likes to mention in his training that those who remain clearly in touch with their own feelings and needs "don't make good slaves."

I'm convinced that the assumption that human relationships necessitate sacrifice, whether of oneself to others or of others to self, reaches us on many levels from many cultural influences. I'm convinced that many persons fall into the trap of engaging in self talk in which one internalizes a voice of authority that demands duty and obedience and turns even otherwise enjoyable activities into drudgery.

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I've found that one of the most helpful techniques in identifying and relinquishing such residual, sacrificial patterns has involved my reminding myself: "I want to pay close attention to my feelings and needs because I don't want to be a 'good slave' - not even for the sake of my own inner voices." Likewise, I've found it extremely helpful to pay close attention when activities cease to appeal to me and to ask myself in those moments: "Am I doing this out of an implicit sense of duty? Wouldn't I rather act out of a joyful energy that pays attention to my feelings and needs and that's consciously directed towards my own self-fulfillment?"

Because I've found the slave metaphor extremely helpful both in understanding how important paying attention to my feelings is and in reorienting my motivation in a more positive, joyful direction, I wanted to mention that as well.

3. Possible OFNR Dialogues Based on Participants' Examples

I imagine that some participants, as well as those who listen to the audio recording, might like to see me spell out how dialogue might proceed based on the examples that Julie, John 3 and John 1 shared.

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a. Julie's Situation: Asking for Clarification

Julie described participating in a meeting that was important to her in which a person seemed to her to be grading papers and not listening, yet who later asked the speaker for clarification.

Speaker: "Are you feeling concern because you need understanding?"

Questioner: "Yes, of course, that's why I'm asking for clarification."

Speaker: "Of course, that's why I'm giving this presentation: I need understanding, too. Would you be willing to hear why, when I heard your question, I felt some frustration?"

Questioner: "Okay."

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Speaker: "While I've been speaking, I've noticed that you've been looking in your notebook and marking papers. I felt some discomfort while you were doing that because I wondered whether you would be able to pay attention to what I was saying. Now you've asked a question that I imagine would have been answered for you had you first set those items aside. Would you be willing to tell me what you've heard me say?"

Questioner: "I'm hearing that you imagine that if I had given you my full attention, I wouldn't feel eager to ask that question, as it would already have been answered for me."

Speaker: "Thank you. Yes, that's what I mean. Would you be willing to put those items aside for the duration of this presentation in order to minimize the chance that you will want to ask me to repeat something that I've already expressed?"

Questioner: "Yes."

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b. John 3's Situation: Complaining about Windows Software

At work, in the cubicle next to him, someone whom John 3 described as a person he was "sort of supervising" according to John complained loudly about Windows software. I'll call the other person Joe for the purposes of this exercise.

John 3 (approaching): "Joe, are you feeling annoyed because you're needing more ease than you're now getting when you're using Windows software?"

Joe: "Yes, I hate Windows! It's driving me crazy!"

John 3: "Are you feeling satisfied that I'm understanding what's going on for you in this situation?"

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Joe: "Yes. Thank you."

John 3: "Would you be willing now to listen to a concern of mine?"

Joe: "Yes, sure."

John 3: "When you raise your voice the way you just did, I feel exasperation, because I'm needing peace and quiet in which to work. I'm also needing consideration. And I'm imagining that others in this office would also like peace, quiet and consideration while they're working. Would you be willing to tell me what you've heard me say?"

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Joe: "I'm hearing that you want me to keep my mouth shut and not complain at work."

John 3: "Thank you for telling me this. I can see that I'm not meeting my need for clarity. I'd like for you to hear me in a different way. Would you be willing for me to try again?"

Joe: "Okay."

John 3: "I want to hear about it if you're having difficulty with your work. I'd just like to hear it in a different way. Rather than raising your voice so that all in the office can hear, would you be willing to agree now to approach me in the future to express such a concern in a quieter voice?"

Joe: "Yes, sure."

John 3: "I really want to make sure that we understand each other. Would you be willing to tell me in your own words what I asked you to do?"

Joe: "You want to hear about it if I'm having difficulty with my work. You'd just like to hear it in a different way. Rather than raising my voice so that all in the office can hear, you want me to approach you in the future to express my concern in a quieter voice. Is that it?"

John 3: "Yes, thank you."

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c. John 1's Situation: Coworker Brings Up Small Problems

In this situation, John 1 explained that at work, someone kept approaching him and wanted to talk with him in more detail than he liked about what John 1 regarded as "small problems." Repeatedly, John 1 had asked this other person to approach him only with "big problems" or with quick summaries of small ones.

Chris: "John, I must talk with you right away. I have no idea how to deal with this situation that's just come up!"

John 1: "Okay." [John gives himself some "emergency first aid self empathy" by checking in internally with his own feelings and needs. He detects that he's feeling exasperated because he's needing ease and understanding. He fully expects that this will be another one of those "small problems." Yet he notices that he hasn't yet learned the details of this particular problem. Recognizing that he's telling himself a story and mixing up prediction with certainty, John quickly reorients his expectations of what might happen next, recognizing that this problem may prove to be significant by his own standards.]

Chris: "John, here's the problem..." [Chris describes it until John interrupts him.]

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John 1: "Please stop now, Chris." [John takes a deep breath. By John's standards, what Chris describes qualifies as yet another "small problem." He asked Chris to stop the moment that Chris had said one word more than John was willing to hear. John gives himself some more "emergency first aid self empathy" by recognizing how exasperated he again feels, really wanting both understanding and progress. Having empathized with himself, he feels much calmer, and now authentically expresses himself.]

John 1: "Chris, when you tell me what you just did, I feel exasperation because I need understanding and progress. I'd also really like for our communication to improve. This problem qualifies as small by my standards. Would you be willing to agree now first to write up a summary of this problem in less than 40 words and give it to me by two o'clock today?"

Chris: "Sure."

John 1: "Second, would you be willing to agree now to sit down tomorrow at 1 p.m. to discuss with me how we can clarify for each other what I mean by 'big problems' and 'small problems?'"

Chris: "Sure."

All the supplementary material assumes that you have listened to my presentation, "Communicating Across Differences: Is There Another Way?" If you either did not attend or have not yet listened to it, please listen to my talk before attempting to use this supplementary material.

I've created both a Table of Contents in Brief and a more detailed Table of Contents. The Table of Contents in Brief includes internal hyperlinks that lead to the associated parts of the more detailed Table of Contents. By starting with the Table of Contents in Brief, you can skip first to the relevant portion of the more detailed Table of Contents and then with just one more click skip to the relevant portion of the webpages themselves.

I've also included internal hyperlinks throughout these pages that say, for example, To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here. Using these, you can quickly move from one place to another.

Of course, you can read all this material from start to finish, and I will feel delighted if you do. I've created these various tools to facilitate internal navigation, however, because I envision that many Visiting Guests will wish to use this supplementary material for study, reference, rehearsal and practice.

I envision that many Visiting Guests will want to refer to these pages when considering a situation in which they would like to use the principles of this process but would like some assistance in doing so. Those who practice "clicking around" within these pages will discover how simply one can skip to precisely the portion that one wishes to consider. This supplementary material can be used alone or when practicing over the telephone or via instant messaging with an empathy partner.

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I'm hoping my following words will help you to get the most out of this supplementary material. I've included internal hyperlinks here, as well, so that you can jump directly to any of these sections within these webpages from the headings displayed below.

I hope you enjoy and benefit from this supplementary material.