II. Challenges and Practices

Gratefully adapted for Communicating Across Differences by Vid Axel from material shared by creativecore.consulting.training.and.media 847.854.1111 - Fax 847.854.2464 - Bob AT CreativeCore.com 1421 Lowe Drive, Algonquin, IL 60102 - www.CreativeCore.com.

Although in large measure the following takes inspiration from sources related to Nonviolent Communication (NVC), the following has not been reviewed or approved by the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) or by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. For information about these sources and their certified training in NVC, please visit cnvc.org

A. Observation

1. The Challenge

To free ourselves from any tendency to tell a story about why the other did what the other did.

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2. The Practice

Clearly identify what has actually taken place by using actual words or other observable behaviors. You will know you have accomplished this when both you and the other person agree on the observation. Name what you can perceive with your senses rather than what you think.

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B. Feeling

1. The Challenge

To put our attention on our feelings rather than what we believe is the cause of our feelings. The cause of our feelings is our needs, not others' behavior.

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2. The Practice

Put your attention on what you are feeling as often as possible, whether you're feeling satisfied or not. This helps you to develop your "feelings literacy" which will help you keep authentically connected with yourself.

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C. Need

1. The Challenge

To take responsibility for meeting our own needs. This can be difficult if we have fallen into dangerous beliefs about the nature of needs such as:

•	Others are more important than I am; therefore their needs are more important than my needs.
•	Others should meet my needs (especially if they care about me).
•	I do not have enough power or control to get my needs met.
•	Others who make sure their needs are met are (ex: powerful... controlling, manipulative... needy), and I'm not that.

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2. The Practice

Frequently put your attention on what you need or what you value, whether those needs are currently being met or not. When you feel satisfaction, notice what need (or value) of yours is being met. When you feel dissatisfaction, know that you have a need that is not getting met and identify that unmet need.

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D. Request

1. The Challenge

In our efforts to meet our own needs and thus to make our lives more wonderful, to take responsibility for making specific, authentic requests that, if granted, we imagine will meet our needs.

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2. The Practice

First, request something that can be done. Be specific, not vague. This is one way we take responsibility for getting our needs met. Second, ask without demanding that your request be honored. A true request is actually a gift: we are giving someone an opportunity to make life more wonderful for us. A demand takes the gift away.

Ask yourself frequently, in different types of situations, what you want. Get to know your needs, wants, desires and what makes life wonderful for you. Separate needs from preferences or strategies. We can prefer that our needs be met in certain ways, but whether we get our preferences or not, we can still take responsibility for getting our needs met.

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