What: |
Communicating Across Differences: Is There Another Way? - an introductory presentation for a general audience by Vid Axel
below: audio recording of the presentation and interactive, supplementary material |
When: |
8:00 PM Saturday 22 September 2007 |
Where: |
a discussion group in Chicago hosted by Marsha Enright |
| Who: |
Vid Axel presented, those in attendance participated. |
For: |
| anyone with interest in learning how to communicate in challenging situations with deeper satisfaction |
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Note: |
| The interactive, supplementary material presupposes prior familiarity with the presentation, so if you didn't attend, please listen first to the audio recording before attempting to use that material. |
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Table of Contents in Brief
Table of Contents
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
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To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
Introduction
A. Gratitude
In conjunction with his presentation and the material that follows, Vid Axel wishes to express his heartfelt gratitude for the actions of the following individuals.
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Marsha Enright for hosting and for inviting him to speak |
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those who attended for their participation, including their questions |
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Fran Hill for her previous, related collaboration |
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Cherita Axel of Axel Designs [Print and Web] for designing Vid's Living Action website and for her technical support in his creation of this Communicating Across Differences area of this site |
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John S. for giving Vid a ride when he had car trouble |
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creativecore.consulting.training.and.media for developing some of the material that Vid has adapted here
creativecore.consulting.training.and.media 800.223.9473 - Fax 847.854.2464 -
Bob AT CreativeCore.com
1421 Lowe Drive, Algonquin, IL 60102 - www.CreativeCore.com |
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the Center for Nonviolent Communication at cnvc.org for developing and sharing feelings and needs lists, some of which appear here in a manner that accords with their requests |
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Martha Delaney, student of NVC, for posting her "NVC Theory of Everything" to the NVC Live! Forum here (her version remains accessible to NVC Live! subscribers from the NVC Academy) - Vid has adapted some of that material here |
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Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., author of the book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, for creating and sharing the process of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which serves as major inspiration for Vid's approach to Communicating Across Differences |
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
B. Background
In his presentation, "Communicating Across Differences: Is There Another Way?" Vid Axel offered a glimpse into a process with which, in recent years, he's fallen in love.
Vid maintains that just about everyone could improve their communication by learning and putting into practice an approach that incorporates principles articulated by author, speaker and conflict resolution expert Marshall B. Rosenberg.
Vid feels struck by how frequently individuals - both within their own movements and in interacting with the wider culture - stimulate bitterness, conflict, schisms and disappointment. Nevertheless, Vid remains convinced that other ways of communicating can produce dramatically more positive results.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
Vid maintains that Rosenberg's approach can profoundly improve not only the quality of one's interpersonal communication but also of one's self-understanding. Vid also maintains that this process can help even if a person remains the only participant in a dialogue who has learned about it. He's found that it can help in everyday situations, agitated ones and even when one communicates about controversial issues.
Vid bases his own teaching and approach to communication on multiple sources, including his lifetime of experiences. Vid especially involves and recommends his personal understanding, interpretation and application of the process of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., author of the book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. The Center for Nonviolent Communication [CNVC], founded by CNVC educational director Marshall Rosenberg, maintains a web site at cnvc.org which offers much information about NVC and certified training in NVC.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
Nonviolent Communication and NVC are registered service marks of the CNVC. Vid is not a certified trainer of NVC and is not affiliated with the CNVC. Accordingly, in this context, Vid refers to his personal approach as Communicating Across Differences, not as Nonviolent Communication (NVC), from which Communicating Across Differences draws much inspiration.
This presentation involved some audience participation and playful use of giraffe and jackal puppets and toy ears. Vid encourages those who listen to the audio recording to jot notes so that they can generate and work on their own examples.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
Audio Recording
A. Communicating Across Differences: Is There Another Way?
audio recording Copyright 2007 by Vid Axel
Vid encourages Visiting Guests to listen to this recording on this website. Vid requests that others not share it but instead refer others to this website so that they also can benefit from the supplementary material that this website provides. The URL for this webpage follows.
http://www.vidaxel.net/content/view/473/112/
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
B. Vid's Additional Comments
Vid writes the following.
| When listening to the recording of my presentation, I noticed three things that I would have liked to mention but didn't. So I thought I would mention them now.
I hope you will find value in these additional comments.
1. Gratitude Journal
Many who learn this process also learn to appreciate that jackal language and assumptions teach us to focus on "what's wrong" with the world. Doing that can stimulate discouragement and sap us of the energy we need to make positive changes. Although the process of Communicating Across Differences urges us to pay attention to our feelings and needs, including when we happen to feel dissatisfied that our needs are not met, it also urges us to pay close attention when our needs are getting met.
Both for this reason and because it can help one to improve one's skills in using this process, many who learn about Communicating Across Differences keep a Gratitude Journal each day.
In this journal, one expresses gratitude for what met one's needs using the same formula for expressing gratitude that I described in my talk.
First, one lists some specific thing or things about which one is grateful to oneself. Second, one lists some thing or things about which one is grateful to others. In each case, one names an observation, feeling and a need. One names what action was taken for which one feels grateful; names what feelings the action stimulates; and names what authentic need was met by the action.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
This exercise can both help to reorient a person's mindset in a more constructive direction and also to increase one's fluency in the expression of observations, feelings and needs. In addition, it often draws one's attention to actions that others have taken, inspiring a person to actually thank those others, which frequently both persons experience as fulfilling.
No less important, however, is taking the time to express gratitude to oneself for what one is already doing that is meeting one's needs.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
2. Emotional Slavery and Liberation
In my presentation, I strove to draw attention to how valuable it can be to develop a welcoming relationship with one's own feelings and to recognize that even other's feelings, when viewed using the principles of this process, need not be threatening. I also explored how helpful in communication it can be both to name what one is authentically feeling and to pay attention to what others are feeling.
I would like to add a comment that I consider particularly relevant. Namely, Marshall Rosenberg likes to mention in his training that those who remain clearly in touch with their own feelings and needs "don't make good slaves."
I'm convinced that the assumption that human relationships necessitate sacrifice, whether of oneself to others or of others to self, reaches us on many levels from many cultural influences. I'm convinced that many persons fall into the trap of engaging in self talk in which one internalizes a voice of authority that demands duty and obedience and turns even otherwise enjoyable activities into drudgery.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
I've found that one of the most helpful techniques in identifying and relinquishing such residual, sacrificial patterns has involved my reminding myself: "I want to pay close attention to my feelings and needs because I don't want to be a 'good slave' - not even for the sake of my own inner voices." Likewise, I've found it extremely helpful to pay close attention when activities cease to appeal to me and to ask myself in those moments: "Am I doing this out of an implicit sense of duty? Wouldn't I rather act out of a joyful energy that pays attention to my feelings and needs and that's consciously directed towards my own self-fulfillment?"
Because I've found the slave metaphor extremely helpful both in understanding how important paying attention to my feelings is and in reorienting my motivation in a more positive, joyful direction, I wanted to mention that as well.
3. Possible OFNR Dialogues Based on Participants' Examples
I imagine that some participants, as well as those who listen to the audio recording, might like to see me spell out how dialogue might proceed based on the examples that Julie, John 3 and John 1 shared.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
a. Julie's Situation: Asking for Clarification
Julie described participating in a meeting that was important to her in which a person seemed to her to be grading papers and not listening, yet who later asked the speaker for clarification.
Speaker: "Are you feeling concern because you need understanding?"
Questioner: "Yes, of course, that's why I'm asking for clarification."
Speaker: "Of course, that's why I'm giving this presentation: I need understanding, too. Would you be willing to hear why, when I heard your question, I felt some frustration?"
Questioner: "Okay."
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
Speaker: "While I've been speaking, I've noticed that you've been looking in your notebook and marking papers. I felt some discomfort while you were doing that because I wondered whether you would be able to pay attention to what I was saying. Now you've asked a question that I imagine would have been answered for you had you first set those items aside. Would you be willing to tell me what you've heard me say?"
Questioner: "I'm hearing that you imagine that if I had given you my full attention, I wouldn't feel eager to ask that question, as it would already have been answered for me."
Speaker: "Thank you. Yes, that's what I mean. Would you be willing to put those items aside for the duration of this presentation in order to minimize the chance that you will want to ask me to repeat something that I've already expressed?"
Questioner: "Yes."
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
b. John 3's Situation: Complaining about Windows Software
At work, in the cubicle next to him, someone whom John 3 described as a person he was "sort of supervising" according to John complained loudly about Windows software. I'll call the other person Joe for the purposes of this exercise.
John 3 (approaching): "Joe, are you feeling annoyed because you're needing more ease than you're now getting when you're using Windows software?"
Joe: "Yes, I hate Windows! It's driving me crazy!"
John 3: "Are you feeling satisfied that I'm understanding what's going on for you in this situation?"
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
Joe: "Yes. Thank you."
John 3: "Would you be willing now to listen to a concern of mine?"
Joe: "Yes, sure."
John 3: "When you raise your voice the way you just did, I feel exasperation, because I'm needing peace and quiet in which to work. I'm also needing consideration. And I'm imagining that others in this office would also like peace, quiet and consideration while they're working. Would you be willing to tell me what you've heard me say?"
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
Joe: "I'm hearing that you want me to keep my mouth shut and not complain at work."
John 3: "Thank you for telling me this. I can see that I'm not meeting my need for clarity. I'd like for you to hear me in a different way. Would you be willing for me to try again?"
Joe: "Okay."
John 3: "I want to hear about it if you're having difficulty with your work. I'd just like to hear it in a different way. Rather than raising your voice so that all in the office can hear, would you be willing to agree now to approach me in the future to express such a concern in a quieter voice?"
Joe: "Yes, sure."
John 3: "I really want to make sure that we understand each other. Would you be willing to tell me in your own words what I asked you to do?"
Joe: "You want to hear about it if I'm having difficulty with my work. You'd just like to hear it in a different way. Rather than raising my voice so that all in the office can hear, you want me to approach you in the future to express my concern in a quieter voice. Is that it?"
John 3: "Yes, thank you."
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
c. John 1's Situation: Coworker Brings Up Small Problems
In this situation, John 1 explained that at work, someone kept approaching him and wanted to talk with him in more detail than he liked about what John 1 regarded as "small problems." Repeatedly, John 1 had asked this other person to approach him only with "big problems" or with quick summaries of small ones.
Chris: "John, I must talk with you right away. I have no idea how to deal with this situation that's just come up!"
John 1: "Okay." [John gives himself some "emergency first aid self empathy" by checking in internally with his own feelings and needs. He detects that he's feeling exasperated because he's needing ease and understanding. He fully expects that this will be another one of those "small problems." Yet he notices that he hasn't yet learned the details of this particular problem. Recognizing that he's telling himself a story and mixing up prediction with certainty, John quickly reorients his expectations of what might happen next, recognizing that this problem may prove to be significant by his own standards.]
Chris: "John, here's the problem..." [Chris describes it until John interrupts him.]
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
John 1: "Please stop now, Chris." [John takes a deep breath. By John's standards, what Chris describes qualifies as yet another "small problem." He asked Chris to stop the moment that Chris had said one word more than John was willing to hear. John gives himself some more "emergency first aid self empathy" by recognizing how exasperated he again feels, really wanting both understanding and progress. Having empathized with himself, he feels much calmer, and now authentically expresses himself.]
John 1: "Chris, when you tell me what you just did, I feel exasperation because I need understanding and progress. I'd also really like for our communication to improve. This problem qualifies as small by my standards. Would you be willing to agree now first to write up a summary of this problem in less than 40 words and give it to me by two o'clock today?"
Chris: "Sure."
John 1: "Second, would you be willing to agree now to sit down tomorrow at 1 p.m. to discuss with me how we can clarify for each other what I mean by 'big problems' and 'small problems?'"
Chris: "Sure." |
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
Interactive, Supplementary Material
How to Use the Supplementary Material
Vid writes the following.
| I've created this area of my website in order to facilitate further study of and practice in the process of Communicating Across Differences. I hope you will find it helpful.
All the supplementary material assumes that you have listened to my presentation, "Communicating Across Differences: Is There Another Way?" If you either did not attend or have not yet listened to it, please listen to my talk before attempting to use this supplementary material.
I've created both a Table of Contents in Brief and a more detailed Table of Contents. The Table of Contents in Brief includes internal hyperlinks that lead to the associated parts of the more detailed Table of Contents. By starting with the Table of Contents in Brief, you can skip first to the relevant portion of the more detailed Table of Contents and then with just one more click skip to the relevant portion of the webpages themselves.
I've also included internal hyperlinks throughout these pages that say, for example, To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here. Using these, you can quickly move from one place to another.
Of course, you can read all this material from start to finish, and I will feel delighted if you do. I've created these various tools to facilitate internal navigation, however, because I envision that many Visiting Guests will wish to use this supplementary material for study, reference, rehearsal and practice.
I envision that many Visiting Guests will want to refer to these pages when considering a situation in which they would like to use the principles of this process but would like some assistance in doing so. Those who practice "clicking around" within these pages will discover how simply one can skip to precisely the portion that one wishes to consider. This supplementary material can be used alone or when practicing over the telephone or via instant messaging with an empathy partner.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
I'm hoping my following words will help you to get the most out of this supplementary material. I've included internal hyperlinks here, as well, so that you can jump directly to any of these sections within these webpages from the headings displayed below.
| I. The Process |
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This page presents the OFNR components of the process at a glance, relating them to the two, fundamental questions and offering some guidelines for formulating expressions using each component. This can serve as a quick and simple overview.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here. |
| II. Challenges and Practices |
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This page presents the OFNR components of the process, relating them to the challenges they involve and indicating what practices we can implement to deal with such challenges. This can serve as a quick reference.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here. |
| III. Observations |
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This page features a table that contrasts what I consider jackal attempts at naming stimuli and giraffe alternatives that name such stimuli without mixing in evaluations. I find it helpful to consider various examples when practicing the process of expressing a pure observation.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here. |
| IV. Feelings and Needs |
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This page features abbreviated lists of feelings and needs that I've compiled.
Each name for a feeling or need is also a hyperlink which when clicked then displays a longer list of associated feelings or needs. I've also added internal hyperlinks at the end of each more detailed list which when clicked again display the short lists.
The more detailed lists originate from cnvc.org website.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here. |
| V. Requests |
| |
This page features a table that contrasts what I consider demanding, jackal attempts to say "please" with giraffe alternatives that make authentic requests. I find it helpful to consider various examples when practicing the process of expressing an authentic request.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here. |
| VI. Step-by-Step |
| |
This page enables Visiting Guests to explore the process of Communicating Across Differences in ways that build on and go beyond what I discussed in my presentation.
This page incorporates the OFNR components, yet additionally integrates all other, fundamental considerations (such as when to speak and when to listen) in a single, five-step order. It also includes notes about each of these five steps.
I've added numerous, internal hyperlinks in order to facilitate quick jumping within this webpage. I've also included various topic headings in the more detailed Table of Contents.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here. |
| VII. Resources for Further Study, Practice and Training |
| |
On this page I've included hyperlinks to numerous additional resources for further study, practice and training. These include information about services that I offer; books, audio, online resources and my own comments about what value Visiting Guests may find in many of these materials. |
I hope you enjoy and benefit from this supplementary material. |
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
I. The Process
Gratefully adapted for Communicating Across Differences by Vid Axel from material shared by creativecore.consulting.training.and.media 847.854.1111 - Fax 847.854.2464 - Bob AT CreativeCore.com 1421 Lowe Drive, Algonquin, IL 60102 - www.CreativeCore.com.
Although in large measure the following takes inspiration from sources related to Nonviolent Communication (NVC), the following has not been reviewed or approved by the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) or by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. For information about these sources and their certified training in NVC, please visit cnvc.org
A. Honestly expressing how I am without blame or criticism:
1. "What's alive in me?"
a. Observation
What I observe (see, hear, remember, imagine - free from my evaluations) that does or does not contribute to my well-being:
"When you [observed behavior]..."
to the Table of Contents in Brief
b. Feeling
How I feel (emotion or sensation rather than thought) about what I observe:
"When you [observed behavior], I feel..."
to the Table of Contents in Brief
c. Need
What I need or value (rather than a strategy, preference, or a specific action) that causes my feelings:
"When you [observed behavior], I feel [my feeling], because I need (or value)..."
to the Table of Contents in Brief
2. "What would make life more wonderful?"
d. Request
Without demanding, I clearly request that which would enrich my life. I voice the concrete action that I would like taken:
"When you [observed behavior], I feel [my feeling], because I need (or I value) [what I need or value]. Would you be willing to...?"
to the Table of Contents in Brief
B. Empathically listening to the other, translating "blame" or "criticism" into guesses of feelings and needs:
3. "What's alive in you?"
a. Empathically Listening
In rehearsing, imagine the response you might receive from the other person after you deliver your request. Imagine empathizing with the person while listening with sincere interest.
What's alive in the other (what do you imagine the other might be feeling and needing)?
to the Table of Contents in Brief
b. Empathically Listening - Responding
Respond to what you have just heard by asking what the other is feeling and needing. If you have listened empathically, the other likely will grasp your sincere interest and your intention to hear the other's true feelings and needs - even if what you have guessed differs from the other's experience. The other will tend to either confirm your guess or instead state the actual feelings and/or needs.
"Are you feeling [feeling] because you are needing [need]?"
to the Table of Contents in Brief
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
II. Challenges and Practices
Gratefully adapted for Communicating Across Differences by Vid Axel from material shared by creativecore.consulting.training.and.media 847.854.1111 - Fax 847.854.2464 - Bob AT CreativeCore.com 1421 Lowe Drive, Algonquin, IL 60102 - www.CreativeCore.com.
Although in large measure the following takes inspiration from sources related to Nonviolent Communication (NVC), the following has not been reviewed or approved by the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) or by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. For information about these sources and their certified training in NVC, please visit cnvc.org
A. Observation
1. The Challenge
To free ourselves from any tendency to tell a story about why the other did what the other did.
to the Table of Contents in Brief
2. The Practice
Clearly identify what has actually taken place by using actual words or other observable behaviors. You will know you have accomplished this when both you and the other person agree on the observation. Name what you can perceive with your senses rather than what you think.
to the Table of Contents in Brief
B. Feeling
1. The Challenge
To put our attention on our feelings rather than what we believe is the cause of our feelings. The cause of our feelings is our needs, not others' behavior.
to the Table of Contents in Brief
2. The Practice
Put your attention on what you are feeling as often as possible, whether you're feeling satisfied or not. This helps you to develop your "feelings literacy" which will help you keep authentically connected with yourself.
to the Table of Contents in Brief
C. Need
1. The Challenge
To take responsibility for meeting our own needs. This can be difficult if we have fallen into dangerous beliefs about the nature of needs such as:
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Others are more important than I am; therefore their needs are more important than my needs. |
| • |
Others should meet my needs (especially if they care about me). |
| • |
I do not have enough power or control to get my needs met. |
| • |
Others who make sure their needs are met are (ex: powerful... controlling, manipulative... needy), and I'm not that. |
to the Table of Contents in Brief
2. The Practice
Frequently put your attention on what you need or what you value, whether those needs are currently being met or not. When you feel satisfaction, notice what need (or value) of yours is being met. When you feel dissatisfaction, know that you have a need that is not getting met and identify that unmet need.
to the Table of Contents in Brief
D. Request
1. The Challenge
In our efforts to meet our own needs and thus to make our lives more wonderful, to take responsibility for making specific, authentic requests that, if granted, we imagine will meet our needs.
to the Table of Contents in Brief
2. The Practice
First, request something that can be done. Be specific, not vague. This is one way we take responsibility for getting our needs met. Second, ask without demanding that your request be honored. A true request is actually a gift: we are giving someone an opportunity to make life more wonderful for us. A demand takes the gift away.
Ask yourself frequently, in different types of situations, what you want. Get to know your needs, wants, desires and what makes life wonderful for you. Separate needs from preferences or strategies. We can prefer that our needs be met in certain ways, but whether we get our preferences or not, we can still take responsibility for getting our needs met.
to the Table of Contents in Brief
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
III. Observations
Vid Axel has prepared the following material for use in Communicating Across Differences.
Although in large measure the following takes inspiration from material related to Nonviolent Communication (NVC), the following has not been reviewed or approved by the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) or by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. For information about these sources and their certified training in NVC, please visit cnvc.org
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
Vid created the following table to assist those who have listened to his presentation to practice formulating observations that omit evaluation.
Before: Observation Mixed
with Evaluation
|
After: Observation Omitting Evaluation |
You talk too much. |
When I hear you talk continuously for fifteen minutes about this... |
Sarah acts recklessly. |
When Sarah drives her car at 85 mph in a 25 mph speed zone... |
She won't listen! |
When I say, "Sit down," and Aliana jumps... |
| If you don't quit smoking, you'll be dead in two years! |
When I see you're still smoking... |
| "Liberals" (or "conservatives") advocating x don't give a damn about taxpayers, health or whatever. |
When I read John Smith's Op-Ed in today's National Times, and he writes, "It's a disgrace that this nation remains x "... |
| Joe is a poor writer. |
When I read Joe's latest writing assignment, and he writes, "Things jess ain't the way they used to was"... |
| How can Jim let himself become such a fat slob? |
When I hear that Jim weighs sixty pounds more now than he did when he told me that his doctor advised that he lose thirty... |
| You are always running late. |
As I recall, each of the last five days in a row, you've arrived home at least 30 minutes later than we agreed. When I consider this... |
| Joan never does anything right. |
I can't recall Joan ever turning in an assignment by the time I asked. When I reflect on this now... |
| You seldom pay attention. |
As I recall, prior to your last three shopping trips, you've agreed with me to pick up 13 gallon, kitchen garbage bags. I've not seen any yet. When I say this now... |
| You frequently make a mess. |
The last three times I've looked in your room I've noticed towels, shirts, papers and books on the floor. When I've noticed this... |
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
IV. Feelings and Needs
lists collected by Vid Axel for Communicating Across Differences
A. Short List of Feelings and Needs
Vid created the following short list and its internal hyperlinks for the purpose of facilitating quick reference, including by jumping to lists of related feelings and needs within the more detailed inventories that follow. To return to the short list after jumping to a detailed list, please click any link that says "to short list."
When picking a word to name a feeling or need, you can check the short list first. If you've found a word with which you feel satisfied, you're done! If you're not satisfied with your word choice, click the word in the short list that seems closest in order to jump to a more detailed list that suggests related possibilities.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
The detailed inventories that follow this short list originate from the cnvc.org website here and here. Per the requests of the Center for Nonviolent Communication, Vid has displayed attribution and copyright notices beneath the detailed inventories.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
B. Feelings Inventories
The following are words
we use when we want to express a combination of emotional states and
physical sensations. This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive. It
is meant as a starting place to support anyone who wishes to engage in
a process of deepening self-discovery and to facilitate greater
understanding and connection between people.
There are two parts to this list: feelings we may have when our needs are being met and feelings we may
have when our needs are not being met.
cnvc.org also offers another list that may be of interest to you: a list of needs.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
1. Feelings when your Needs are Satisfied
to short list
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
2. Feelings when your Needs are not Satisfied
The contents of these feelings inventories can be downloaded and copied by anyone so long as they credit CNVC as follows:
(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email:
This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it
Phone: +1.818.957.9393
to short list
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
C. Needs Inventory
The following list of needs is
neither exhaustive nor definitive. It is meant as a starting place to
support anyone who wishes to engage in a process of deepening
self-discovery and to facilitate greater understanding and connection
between people.
cnvc.org also offers another list that might also be of interest to you: a list of feelings.
The contents of this need inventory can be downloaded and copied by anyone so long as they credit CNVC as follows:
(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email:
This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it
Phone: +1.818.957.9393
to short list
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
to short list
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
V. Requests
Vid Axel has prepared the following material for use in Communicating Across Differences.
Although in large measure the following takes inspiration from material related to Nonviolent Communication (NVC), the following has not been reviewed or approved by the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) or by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. For information about these sources and their certified training in NVC, please visit cnvc.org
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
Vid created the following table to assist those who have listened to his presentation to practice formulating requests rather than demands.
|
After: Request |
Shut up. |
Once you've said forty words, would you be willing to ask me what I've heard you say? |
Slow down, now! |
Would you be willing to drive no faster than 30 mph in a 25 mph speed zone? |
Do what I say! |
Would you be willing to sit down in that chair now and remain silent while I read? |
| Damn it, honey, you better stop smoking, or else! |
Would you be willing now to talk with me about how concerned I feel about your health? |
| You can't maintain that position! |
Would you be willing now to discuss how scared I feel about implementing any form of that political proposal, and why? |
| How could you write that? What's wrong with you? |
Would you be willing now to discuss with me options for learning more about grammar and writing? |
| How could you let yourself go like that? |
Would you be willing now to discuss how I'm guessing you're trying to meet your needs with your current eating strategy? |
| You've got to come home on time! |
Would you be willing to express to your boss how passionately you want to leave work no later than 5:30 PM on any day? |
| Damn it, get your act together! |
Would you be willing to agree now to turn in this assignment to me by 3:00 PM tomorrow? |
| Can't you get this through that thick skull of yours? |
Would you be willing to write down on your shopping list now, "13 gallon kitchen garbage bags"? |
| Clean your room! |
Would you be willing to agree now to the following? By 2:00 PM tomorrow, would you be willing to put the towels in the laundry; the shirts on hangars in the closet; the papers on the desk and the books on the shelves? |
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
VI. Step-by-Step
Gratefully adapted by Vid Axel for Communicating Across Differences from "NVC Theory of Everything" by Martha Delaney, student of NVC, who posted her version to the NVC Live! Forum here - her version remains accessible to NVC Live! subscribers from the NVC Academy.
Although in large measure the following takes inspiration from material related to Nonviolent Communication (NVC), the following has not been reviewed or approved by the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) or by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. For information about these sources and their certified training in NVC, please visit cnvc.org
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
Vid intends the following five steps as a guide for rehearsal of virtually any situation involving the process of Communicating Across Differences. These steps incorporate, yet also go beyond, the "OFNR" sequence to reveal the order in which one might optimally empathize with oneself or with another; honestly express oneself; and make a connecting or strategic request.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
| Step 1 Notes: Empathy for the Self
"What am I feeling? What am I needing?"
| a. Empathy for the Self |
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i. Empathy Described |
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Empathy involves sensitive attention to one's own or another's authentic feelings and needs.
Empathy for the self means so much. Just as a mother can't breastfeed her child unless she is getting food herself, so I can't empathize with others unless I've refilled my own empathy reservoir.
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
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ii. Sources of Empathy for the Self |
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One can receive empathy from oneself or from a giraffe friend. Get as much empathy as you need (with a giraffe who has learned to listen for underlying feelings and needs rather than repeating judgments or evaluations) in order to relinquish regarding the other in a hostile way (as by distorting the other with an enemy image). Remember the value to each human being of a giraffe community.
When receiving empathy one can watch/share the violent thoughts (distorted expressions of unmet needs), then name/receive space for one's authentic feelings and needs.
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to to the Table of Contents in Brief |
| b. Self Help, Self-Improvement, Regret |
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Ask yourself:
i. What need did I not meet by doing what I now dislike?
ii. What need was I trying to meet by doing what I was doing?
This approach facilitates growth more effectively than does "beating oneself up." When you get connected to your needs, the pain will shift. Some describe this as "self-forgiveness," moving from guilt, shame or depression to such forms of "sweet pain" as regret or sadness.
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
| c. Lack of Empathy |
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If I fail to give the other empathy or fail to listen as well as I'd like, I'm not a failure. I am empathy-starved and would like to receive more empathy myself before I attempt to give empathy to another.
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
d. Empathy, Moralistic Judgment and Progress |
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i. Life-Alienated Thoughts
When angry, what are my thoughts (e.g., "I don't have to take this!")?
Giving rise to my (natural) anger alarm, there stirs my own (unnatural) thinking in terms of the wrongness of others, including my assumption that that they should be punished (moralistic judgment).
Unlearn this habit: When my needs aren't met, to judge the other as wrong/bad, create an enemy image, and yearn to punish the other.
Learn this habit: Take the time to reconnect with life (needs) before acting, so that I can act from compassion and empathy rather than as a programmed robot. (Then I will direct my energy to my needs, not to blame. When one's full attention is on needs, it's impossible to be angry.) When I'm not connected with the life (feelings and needs) in myself, it's hard to connect to the life in others.
Similar principles also apply with feelings of guilt, depression and shame. Anger, guilt, depression and shame all serve as alarms indicating the stirring of underlying, life-alienating thoughts in the form of moralistic judgments.
ii. Edge of Practice
Anger and frustration reveal the edge of my practice and provide an opportunity to transform my thinking from promoting violence to promoting peace. If I remain angry, I need more empathy.
iii. Enemy Imaging
Enemy imaging involves labeling another in a way that implies wrongness in that other. For example, "Idiot!"
If I maintain an enemy image of the other person (including any time that I diagnose the other), I lose power with the other and I'm likely to trigger counter-violence. By refilling my empathy reservoir, I can move in the direction in which I can relinquish the enemy image, see the other as human, and become capable of empathizing with that person. If I don't refill my empathy reservoir, I won't be able to inspire that genuine connection. The other will sense it in the energy.
iv. Learning from our Jackals
Our ugliest jackal is our best teacher. We stand to learn more from those whose beauty we can't initially see.
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
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| Step 2 Notes: Empathy for the Other
"Are you feeling __ because you're needing ___?"
| a. Empathy Questions |
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What is the other feeling? What is the other needing?
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
| b. "Please," "Thank You," and Tragic Expressions |
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Individuals are always saying only "Please" or "Thank You." Yet when they need empathy the most, given our cultural conditioning, they typically communicate in ways that tragically enough are least likely to get that empathy.
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
| c. Empathy and Words |
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Empathy is not in the words but in the connection when one authentically listens to another human being. Empathy involves the silent stillness in one's own being, opening up one's heart with full presence to another. The words serve as verbal facilitation, not as the connection itself.
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
| d. Taking Responsibility |
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I can't empathize with another if I take responsibility for the other's pain. Only the other remains responsible for the other's pain and the choices that other made.
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
| e. Authenticity and Empathy |
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The foundation of authentic empathy is the energy of sincerely wanting to connect. The more the other senses my sincerity, the more the other will remain able to hear my needs.
Likewise, the things most important to empathize with are the ones that stimulate the most fear in us!
Moralistic judgment as to the "rightness" or "wrongness" of another undercuts complete acceptance of the other. This inhibits both sincerity and connection.
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
| f. When to Listen, When to Talk |
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Just listen and go with the flow. "Surf" the other's energy waves.
Talk only to:
i. confirm that you are understanding or
ii. show that you are understanding.
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
| g. Connection Rather than Advice, Arguing or Self-Expression |
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With empathy you remain fully connected with the other. Empathic listening differs from giving advice, arguing or expressing one's own feelings. Leave yourself out of the empathic guessing, too. (For example, not "Are you feeling sad because I'm not ____;" rather, "Are you feeling sad because you need ___?".) You can be part only of the request.
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
| h. Giraffe Translation |
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With giraffe ears on, you translate anything that otherwise would sound like rejection, criticism, or blame into guesses of feelings and needs. You may mourn certain things that you've done that haven't met your own needs, including for consideration. If you want to agree or disagree with the other, your giraffe ears have fallen off!
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
| i. Healing by Focusing on Needs |
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If you want to help the other to heal, help the other to focus attention on needs, rather than getting stuck on disconnecting anger.
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
| j. Tuning in Moment by Moment |
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This process of communication urges us to maintain awareness of the authentic needs - the living beauty - within ourselves and others. With it we keep our consciousness tuned in moment by moment to our own and others' needs. When in tune with such needs, we never seek to say anything that another might interpret as tarnishing that other's consciousness of one's own beauty.
The more we use words that imply criticism, though, the more difficult it remains for others to stay connected to their inner beauty, and the more difficult it remains for them to hear us.
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
| k. Self Empathy First |
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If my need for empathy has not been met, it will be difficult or impossible for me to give empathy to someone else.
On the other hand, when I fully meet my need for empathy, I grow hungry to give empathy.
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
| l. Connecting Request before Honest Expression |
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If at all unsure, then before moving to the next step, ask, "Is there anything else that you'd like to share?"
jump to: Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5
skip to the Table of Contents in Brief |
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| Step 3 Notes: Honest Self Expression
Honest expression involves four parts (OFNR).
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| Step 4 Notes: Connecting Requests
a. Connecting Request
A connecting request asks for a response that will facilitate further dialogue. For example, if you suspect that the other has misunderstood you, then ask the other person, "Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say?"
Only if you believe that the other has understood you, but you still don't know how the other feels about it, ask the other to tell you how the other feels about what you said. For example, "When you hear me say that, are you feeling sad because you're needing more empathy?"
b. For all Requests
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| Step 5 Notes: Strategic Requests
a. Strategic Request
A strategic request asks whether the other would be willing to take some action to meet your needs. For example, "While I change this light bulb, would you be willing now to brace this ladder beneath me?"
b. For all Requests
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To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
VII. Resources for Further Study, Practice and Training
recommended for Communicating Across Differences by Vid Axel
A. More Training and Facilitation from Vid Axel
Some ways to learn more about and to apply Vid's distinctive approach to Communicating Across Differences include hiring Vid to do any of the following.
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present either single or multiple training sessions for an organization in which you're involved |
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provide you with individual, one-on-one consultation and training |
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facilitate mediation and conflict resolution between you and a willing party |
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offer consultation and coaching in persuasive and/or social change advocacy, for example when preparing to speak before a group or to write an article or book |
Vid points out that there's nothing quite like live training, practice and assistance.
Please contact Vid for details - including if you'd like assistance in a form that doesn't seem quite to fit into any of these categories.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
B. Books and a CD
| 1.
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Vid recommends this book as an introduction to Marshall Rosenberg’s process. The book discusses observations, feelings, needs and requests in more detail, and adds other material not covered in Vid's Saturday 22 September 2007 presentation. It also includes quizzes as aids to checking comprehension, which Vid strongly urges readers to complete.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here. |
| 2. Nonviolent Communication: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
This four CD set covers similar ground in less detail than does the book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Vid finds it valuable anyway because the CD emphasizes some aspects differently than the book; one can listen to it while traveling or exercising; and it can also serve as a refresher or review.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here. |
| 3. Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids: 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict and Cooperation, by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson
Vid recommends this book as an introduction to Marshall Rosenberg's process as applied to parent, child and family relationships. The principles discussed can easily be applied to other relationships, as well.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here. |
| 4. Don't Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self With Compassion for Others by Kelly Bryson
Vid recommends this book for those who anticipate enjoying a light, conversational and humorous style of presentation.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
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C. CNVC.org
The website for the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC), which includes information about certified training in NVC, appears here: cnvc.org
Some ways to learn more about NVC include the following.
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attending certified training near where you live |
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one-on-one training |
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participating in a local practice group |
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further learning without a trainer |
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
The following links lead to specific, related pages on the CNVC website.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
D. PuddleDancer Press
PuddleDancer Press - "The Premier Publisher of Nonviolent Communication Related Works"
Books and booklets galore: most of the titles based on Marshall Rosenberg's process can be found on the PuddleDancer Press website. Most of these can also be ordered through Amazon. If cost remains your primary consideration, these books and booklets are sometimes cheaper for single copies at Amazon.
Want free material that's available on the web? Then check out this NVC Article archive also at PuddleDancer Press.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
E. NVC Academy
NVC Academy offers both free and subscription-based material. Vid especially enjoys his subscription to NVC Live! - on which, each month, multiple audio and video recordings of certified NVC trainers giving interviews and presentations are offered.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
F. Vid Axel's Living Action Website
Although less exclusively focused on the process of Communicating Across Differences, other parts of Vid's website clearly remain related and may prove to be of interest and relevance to those who find value in his presentation.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
To skip to the Table of Contents in Brief, please click here.
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